The last 11 months have been a series of ups and downs, and, from what I gather from anyone who has experienced loss, this is normal. It’s also part of the process, and that everyone has a different journey, and how they navigate the slippery slope downwards to get to healing and self-love is different. I say slippery slope downwards because it is VERY easy to self-blame, and become absorbed in it, that you cannot see the entire picture.
After writing the first post, and then breathing, I realized it came across very one-sided. It made it seem like perhaps he was the only one that was unhappy. While his decision was not one that I would have expected, the events that led to his ultimate decision were no surprise. I stand by the position where I have always felt that we were able to move past it (whatever ‘it’ was), and that life was just difficult with kids and lack of time together, etc. But eventually something breaks, or someone breaks.
If I am going to be truly honest, I wasn’t happy either. Did that mean that I wanted to separate and eventually divorce? Hell, no. Anytime I pictured what life would be like, I was just miserable with the thought. No, it’s not that I thought I couldn’t live life without him. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to push us past whatever ‘it’ was that we weren’t able to get through. I saw us at the end of the rainbow together.
Of course, none of this matters now. Unhappiness is unhappiness, and there were many reasons that attributed to the eventual breakdown of our marriage. Can I live my life without him now? Definitely learning to, but I won’t say that it hasn’t been a lonely beginning to the end. Once you lose someone, you start to realize and see all the little and big things you once took for granted. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve been miserable.
I’ve also learned that I CAN live without him. Not by choice, but life doesn’t end just because a relationship ends. I replay many many memories in my head, good and bad, and I am learning about myself, my role in all of it, and trying to be a better person for it. Letting go is a very big lesson in all of this for me, and it hasn’t been easy, and I know it will be a long process for me. He was my best friend, my confidante, someone who always had my back, no matter what. But looking back, I honestly don’t think I treated my ‘best friend’ the way I should have, the way he deserved to be treated. I thought I was, but that good ole’ hindsight. I 100% miss him, but I know with time, all these feelings will eventually subside, as they slowly get tucked away in a memory box, in a protected portion of my heart.
So I’m on a slow journey, learning to find my ‘happy’ and to let the rest go. Amidst this, I realize that I get angry easily. I’ve discovered that I use anger to mask hurt, pain, misunderstanding, frustration, and disappointment. I am constantly reminding myself ‘what would being angry in this moment fulfill?’ – it helps me reframe and let go. Because some times (most times), it really isn’t worth it, it doesn’t have a place, and as I try to teach my sons, sometimes it’s better to use your words to express how you are feeling, or find a different way to express it. I need to live by example, so I am trying.